Why Fixing People Isn’t Love, It’s Ego

Are genuine people a scarcity now? Is everyone broken?

The question of whether we are all broken isn’t just poetic; it touches on deep psychological truths. According to attachment theory, most adults carry emotional imprints from childhood — be it abandonment, enmeshment, or neglect. Research from the APA (American Psychological Association) suggests that nearly 60% of adults have experienced at least one adverse childhood experience, affecting their emotional and relational behaviors.

So, yes, in some ways, we are all “unfinished,” but broken? That implies we need to be fixed, and therein lies the problem.

Is Wanting Growth the Same as Fixing?

Wanting your partner to evolve isn’t inherently wrong. Love, when healthy, encourages growth. The difference between “fixing “ and “inspiring” lies in intention.

Fixing assumes deficiency: “You need to be better for me to love you.”

Inspiring assumes potential: “I see your capacity and want to support you.”

Clinical psychologist Dr. Alexandra Solomon explains that the line is crossed when one partner assumes the role of a teacher or therapist instead of an equal. Growth becomes toxic when it is transactional or conditional.

The Ego Behind the Fixer

Fixing someone often masks a savior complex, a psychological pattern where a person derives worth by “rescuing” others. The hero archetype in Jungian psychology fits here. This role is seductive — being needed, admired, and morally superior. 

But it’s less about the other person and more about self-validation. You’re not fixing them for their sake; you’re doing it to feel like their hero. According to a study by the University of Buffalo, people who feel needed by their partners tend to score higher on self-esteem questionnaires, but that esteem is externally reliant and unstable.

When Fixing Becomes Narcissism

Narcissists often gravitate toward people they see as “projects” because it gives them control and a sense of superiority. They might offer help, advice, or even therapy-like support, but it’s less about care and more about manipulation. Narcissism doesn’t always wear arrogance; sometimes, it wears compassion. If you constantly feel like you’re being changed under the guise of “love,” it may not be love at all.

Staying friends or partners with someone who chronically attempts to fix you can lead to identity erosion. The fixed person starts to question their self-worth and can become co-dependent, and such dynamics can foster low self-esteem and anxiety disorders.

The False Heroism of Forced Fixing

When fixing becomes forced, it inflates the ego of the fixer — they become the hero of their own story. This links to the psychological phenomenon of intermittent reinforcement, often seen in narcissistic abuse cycles. When the fixer gives validation occasionally, it makes the partner crave their approval even more. Over time, the fixer sees themselves as essential, and the fixed person starts believing they can’t function without them.

Natural Growth vs. Coerced Change

In contrast, natural evolution in relationships happens in a flow. Flow theory by Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi emphasizes the importance of balance between challenge and ability. When partners challenge each other within a safe emotional space, growth is organic. Forced fixing breaks this balance and turns the relationship into a project rather than a partnership.

Moreover, Carl Rogers’ theory of unconditional positive regard posits that people grow best when they feel accepted as they are. Real love offers space, not solutions. It accepts flaws while still encouraging dreams.

Love or Ego?

Wanting your partner to live better becomes ego-driven. In contrast, love becomes liberating when:

• You respect their autonomy.

• You support them without controlling outcomes.

• You grow alongside them rather than ahead of them.

Love, at its core, reveals everything — our wounds, hopes, and shadows. But it also demands nothing. Philosopher Alain de Botton argues that modern love is often transactional, where we barter growth, validation, and change. But real love is revelatory; it doesn’t need the other to change in order to exist. It flows from mutual awareness, not mutual utility.

• According to Psychology Today, over 50% of couples enter relationships hoping to “change” their partner.

• A 2019 YouGov poll found that 34% of adults feel emotionally manipulated in their relationships, often tied to their partner’s attempts to “improve” them.

Conclusion

Fixing people isn’t love; it’s ego dressed in empathy. It places conditions on care and turns relationships into self-serving projects. True love doesn’t demand transformation; it inspires it. It holds space, not blueprints. When love becomes a job, a mission, or a performance, it stops being love. If we want to be builders of connection, not constructors of control, we must stop confusing saving someone with seeing them.

Let love reveal through its balance and compatibility, not rescue. Let it breathe, not bind. Because when love flows, people rise — not because you fixed them, but because you believed they never needed fixing to begin with.